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I Would Not Change a Thing

Beauty Care Grace Help nurture

The child, feet dirty from running in the grass all day, clutches the toy close and watches in terror as a significant person in her life snaps mentally, falls on the floor, and screams for the devil to end the torture. And the child is frozen in the moment. Forever.


I used to wonder why in tarnation anyone would freely voice the idea that if they could go back in time they would not change a thing about their life. How was that even possible? I spent countless hours throughout my childhood and adolescence imagining stories in which the difficult moments no longer existed, the people who had traumatized me were dead, and in those stories, my life was the sad melody of one who had lost, rebuilt, and moved on. (I was a bit dramatic, I will admit, but it helped me deal with the facts of my reality.)

After many moons during which I wondered if God even cared, or, worse, existed.. I found out that God did care. God did exist. And God truly can turn darkness into light, ashes into beauty, brokenness into wholeness, confusion into rest, and questions into HIMSELF. Yes, the questions and doubts really didn't need answers. They needed Jesus. I demanded that God answer the why. I wanted reasons and understanding. But what I needed was the person of JESUS. Questions need less answers when there is Jesus. Problem was that there was so much confusion, so much trauma, so much heartache and tears, and SO. MUCH. ANGER. There was no way out of the black hole. And I am not talking devil, demons, and spirits here. I am talking of a deep, dark sadness that needed to be heard and cared about and loved into the light of Jesus. Sometimes, in some cases, demons need to be cast out, but please, I am begging you, do not assume if someone is in trauma pain that they just have demons to cast out and all will be well.

I am not putting this out there to turn myself into some sort of martyr or hero. I am putting this out there because social media is filled these days with so many hurting, broken hearts that need love and healing (in that order). I could fill up your time with many of the finer details of heartache, pain, and tears, but rather than that, I want to tell you that if you are one of those with deep sadness, pain, and misunderstanding, there is so much hope for you!! It is not that I am unwilling to tell you details if you want to hear them, but only for the sake of helping in your own healing or of becoming a better Jesus to others, not just for the sake of curiosity or gossip.

My healing has not come about by some marvelous service where the demons were cast out and rituals were performed. Sometimes hurting people just need a "Jesus with flesh and blood". By this I mean a living human being who is willing, first of all, to just listen. And let me tell you, do not fix things. Nope. If you really want to help someone who is bleeding from a deep-down sorrow and heart-brokenness, they Do Not Need to be fixed. Not yet. The #1 rule is that they need to be heard and believed. And in my experience, the person listening does not even need to do more than give a few grunts to show they are listening and not judging. I am completely serious here. God, from His great, kind, gentle heart, gave me a person like that. And I am so grateful. I will forever be grateful.

#2. If you want to be Jesus to people, you need to let them say whatever they need to say. And I mean WHATEVER. Do not be shocked if from the depth of a person in pain comes large words and lots of swearing and kicking and screaming. Do not hear me say this is for sure what will happen. I can only speak from one person's perspective- MINE. So if you want to judge and throw stones, stop reading and go mow the lawn. My point is that if you want to fill a container with pure sparkling water, you first have to throw out the sewage that filled the container first. And, in my experience, growing up where and how I did, there was no room for feelings. It was not okay to speak and be heard. So, guess what happened with the garbage? It got stuffed. Way down. Deep in my soul. And the only way to begin cleaning out the soul was to just allow it to come out. At that point, I would not have been able to hear any words of advice or reproof. If you are reading this, and you are the person in pain, I can promise you will feel like you are dying. You are not dying. I hope and pray that you have a "Jesus in flesh and blood" who will stick by you and never give up and love you as I was so blessed to have.

I do not want to belabor things or get long-winded so as to lose you. Pain and trauma are a hard thing, and we, as God's people must STOP throwing rocks and doing more damage than is already done. It is unnecessary and from the devil. We must put down our rule books, and just start loving people. For this time, in this writing, what I am trying to say is that Jesus loves, He does not throw rocks. And, yes, for those of you squirming, Jesus also has judgements and all that, but there is a time and place. This is not the time and place. If people are going to be set free, to find healing, to be able to forgive, to grow, we first have to be "Jesus in flesh and blood", and we must love without judgements, listen without opinions, be available, and believe the stories. Traumatized people do not just make stuff up. Yes, again, it is true that our memories as children can be contorted and tangled, but a person can only start from where they stand. A person can only begin to find healing if we as the rest of humanity are willing to help them deal with their perceptions of happenings.

And now, I bow. I have said my piece and I could say more. Maybe I should say more; maybe I shouldn't. I hope it brings clarity and not more confusion. I think all I am really trying to say is that we as God's people need to be quiet long enough to allow space for the traumatized to start speaking. And believe me, I know from personal experience, they might need a long silent space to begin. But begin they must if they will ever find healing in the great Jesus who can miraculously turn evil into good, hurt into healing, and ashes into beauty.

Oh, and one more thing. Medication is not evil. Trauma can reroute and change the brain, and it can cause the brain to get sick just like any other organ of the body gets sick. Medication does not make me less human, less Christian, more confused, more robotic. Medication might even, dare I say it, make it easier to live life and love Jesus.

Okay, there. Now I am done. Peace out!



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